They are no more than actors playing a role, the role could be a charming prince, saviour, or a victim.  They watch potential victims with the vigilance of a predator. 

They are addicts in pursuit of significance, they are relentless craving for attention makes them seek constant validation, they feed off everyone they encounter, they live for supply. 

Like addicts their insatiable need for acknowledgement means they will go to great lengths to obtain their supply, even if it means inflicting harm and total disregard for the wellbeing of others. 

They will never acknowledge their condition, there is an alarming absence of recognition regarding their flaws. 

Narcissism is not an illness, it is a personality disorder, some say it comes from lack of love and attention during early childhood whilst others say its from excessive validation, praise, and overvaluation during early childhood and not mistreatment that causes narcissistic traits.

Narcissists are dangerous

• They destroy the victim’s identity, self-worth, and confidence.  The abuse can be a total annihilation of everything a person has ever known.
• Gaslighting, projection, cognitive dissonance, lack of empathy, false promises and eroded boundaries will drive you to think you are crazy, that is their plan. YOUR NOT CRAZY!!!!
• Narcissists are true parasites, they literally feed off other humans.
• They lack remorse or guilt and leave a trail of destruction.
• They actually take pleasure in their victim’s pain; it gives them a sense of power and control.
• They are emotional shape shifters, chameleons, they shift between different identities to get what they want and needs met.  Their behaviour is not an accident.
• They do not rage in public, it’s always behind closed doors.

Narcissists are very deceptive, if they are caught lying, they gaslight to distort the realty.  Gaslighting, a form of emotional manipulation in which a narcissist tries to make the other person doubt their own perception of reality, this can involve that certain events or conversations didn’t occur or insisting that the other person is over reacting or being irrational.

What does Gaslighting sound like

• “You need help.”
• “You are so emotional.”
• “I never said that, I never did that.”
• “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
• “Your always twisting things around.”
• “Don’t get upset over nothing.”
• “Its not a big deal.”
• “That was two weeks ago.”
• “It was only a joke.”
• “You sound crazy.”

They may use criticism and insults to tear down the self-esteem of those close to them, particularly if they feel threatened by other persons accomplishments or independence. 

Triangulation is when a narcissist involves a third party to create a drama or attention, they use this tactic to punish, this tactic may be used when someone is not giving them enough admiration or attention.

They will make you feel like you are walking on egg shells.  There is never any healthy conflict resolution, they thrive on drama, they get pleasure from making your life hell.  Narcissists will always cheat if whatever is done gives them some kind of supply.  They never accept responsibility for anything, they are the most entitled people with a thirst for control.

The reason narcissists want you to let go of things is because parts of the incident holds valuable information about their patterns.  Becoming aware of this information could ground you in the reality of their abuse.  They gaslight you by framing your discontent of their patterns as a flaw or inability to forgive within you.  They are not the judge and jury of how you process their mistreatment or harm.  Cognitive dissonance, trying to reconcile two completely different versions of who they are.  The idealised image of your soulmate, the illusion created to exploit you, verses the evil image which has begun to appear through the cracks in their mask. 

Signs you may suffer from Narcissistic abuse

• Constantly on high alert.
• Feeling mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.
• Lost – who are you?
• State of confusion, life is overwhelming.
• Suffering from depression and anxiety.
• Brain fog.
• You also suffer physical symptoms.

When you finally get to the point of setting boundaries, this is when the abuse really intensifies.  This is where you have reached a point where you can no longer give anymore, you are aware of the consequences, the mask is falling off and you are about to see the true monster. 

You have now become a witness to the manipulation, constant deceit, and emotional abuse you have endured, you gain tremendous clarity about the true nature of the beast you once thought was your soul mate. 

Your mere existence poses a risk to the narcissist’s façade, the narcissist knows that you have been a witness on many occasions to their true nature without their public mask on.  There are acutely aware that you could destroy their public persona, their fake façade that others see. 

Their exaggerated sense of self importance and grand need for admiration will automatically make them defensive and most likely start a smear campaign against you.  This is where they start to gather their flying monkey’s and begin telling anyone who will listen that your crazy and abusive.  Flying monkeys are the people around them who believe everything the narcissist is saying, they may also shun the true victim, YOU. 

Unlike an addict, narcissists remain steadfast in their conviction that there is nothing wrong with their behaviour.  The pursuit of supply takes precedence, they are unyielding in their desire for validation and are blinded by their own distorted self-perception, it is a relentless quest of self-gratification at any cost, they are terminally insane! 

Anything you say or do will be held against you, the person you once loved and trusted has done and said horrible things to you, unthinkable things you have never told anyone about.  Now that you have unmasked the monster/predator, you are at great risk as their behaviour will intensify tenfold. 

This is when you truly start to feel the effects of the trauma bond that has been created during this relationship.  The trauma bond is the most difficult part of the healing process.  Some liken a trauma bond more difficult to recover from than a heroin addiction.  Here are a few ways to start the healing process, they may sound simple, there is no such thing as simple when it comes to dealing with a narcissist and a trauma bond;

• LOW contact or NO contact.  I only say low contact because if children are involved it makes it difficult to go no contact.  The narcissist will not let go easily.
• If there is contact do not offer any personal information, keep the conversations as brief as possible.
• Block them on all forms of social media, they know longer have the right to know anything about your life.  Change any passwords they may have had access to.
• Live your best life, especially if you see any of the flying monkeys, make sure they see you happy and free.
• Be the successful person you could not be with them in your life, The narcissist will absolutely hate to see you succeed, they want you to suffer.
• Seek external help, speak to a therapist who works with trauma, trauma bonds and narcissistic abuse. 
• You are now on your way to being a SURVIVOR!!!!!

The post Narcissists are Monsters…… appeared first on Gold Coast Psychotherapy.

People can be addicted to heroin, cocaine, crystal meth, gambling, gaming and alcohol just to name a few of the obvious ones we may think of when we think about addiction.  Addicted people suffer.  They lose their teeth, their beauty, they lose their wealth, they lose human relationship, and yet nothing can force them to give up their addiction.  The addiction is more powerful.  The question is why?  To understand addiction, you can’t only look at what is wrong about the  addiction, you must also look at what is right about the addiction. 

What
is the person getting from the addiction? 
What an addict gets is relief from their pain, a sense of peace, a sense
of control, a temporary sense of calmness. 
This is why the real question about addiction should not be ‘Why the
addiction’ but instead ‘Why the pain’?   Why are people in pain, you can’t order a
blood test for the answer, you have to look at their lives.  In the case of highly addicted individuals,
it is very clear why they are in pain. 
It’s because they have been abused all their lives.  They began as abused children, physically
abused, neglected, sexually abused, abandoned over and over again and that’s
why the pain. 

Our
brain develops with the environment we grow up in, so the kind of environment a
child grows up in will actually shape the development of that individual.  The addiction is all about trying to fill
that emptiness from the outside. 

From this perspective you can understand that there are many addictions, there is addiction to drugs but there is also addiction to consumerism, addiction to sex, to the internet, to food, for each person there is a different way of filling the emptiness.  But the emptiness always goes back to what we didn’t get when we were very small.  Some people are addicted to power, addicted to wealth, addicted to acquisition, they want to make themselves bigger.  The power is not outside yourself but within yourself, find the light within.  We have to find that light within ourselves, find the light within communities, and in our wisdom, our own creativity.  If you find the light within, you find your own nature, then we will be kinder to ourselves.  We are social beings, when we feel disconnected or alienated we experience pain.  Addiction, depression, anger, and violence are different ways we react to pain.  To heal, we must heal our emotional wounds at the root of our pain.  

When you next see a person, a man, a woman, a teenager, a fellow human who may be in an altered state from being high on drugs or somebody who is a gambler or an alcoholic and more.  In judgement, also take a minute think about what is their pain and how deep are their emotional wounds?  While they may appear as a spectacle to some, the fact remains that whilst in this altered state they are getting temporary relief from the pain and deep emotional wounds locked within.

 

The post Whats Behind Addiction appeared first on Gold Coast Psychotherapy.

The inner critic judges you and it can undermine your self-confidence, it can use nasty words like your weird, your ugly, you are too fat and you are not good enough.  It thinks in black and white; it focuses on problems and it doesn’t recognise or celebrate progress.  Let’s use ‘you’re not good enough’ as an example, we all have this inner critic pop up at some stage in our lives.  You are in a room with others, it might be a work function for example, you feel a little anxious, a little inferior to some people in the room, this is that nasty inner critic saying ‘you are not good enough’.  What can I do about my inner critic you might ask?  The answer is, you can disarm your inner critic, firstly you need to talk it down and then embrace it before you can completely silence it.  This is a process that is most successful when facilitated by a trained therapist but there are some things you can do by yourself. 

How does your inner critic speak to you, is it cold, is there a specific tone, is it sarcastic or just mean and nasty?

Try to notice what triggers the inner critic, what does it say, be curious and keep the perspective that the inner critic is just another part of you, it can be useful if you can avoid being hooked by its judgement. 

When the inner critic is triggered and that annoying squawking voice is saying ‘you can’t, you are going to mess it up’ ask yourself;

Does this thought serve me?  No, it doesn’t. 

Is there a reason I should hold onto the thought?  No, you don’t need to hold onto to it. 

Who would I be without this thought?  Clearly, I would be absolutely fabulous!

This small shift in thought by answering a few questions can sometimes be enough to silence the inner critic for a little while.  There is very useful information in listening to an inner critic instead of trying to just drown it out.  As I said earlier the most successful results will come from the help and guidance from an experienced therapist.  

The post How nasty is your inner critic? appeared first on Gold Coast Psychotherapy.