Does that sound like a voice you know? For many people it’s been a program running in the background for most of their lives.

If you’ve been in more than one narcissistic relationship, you may be asking: why do I feel like I attract narcissists? It isn’t because you’re naive or broken, it’s often because of qualities that other people see in you, including the narcissist. You’re probably the one your friends call in a crisis. You notice someone’s upset before they say a word. You give people a second chance, and a third. Those are real strengths. They can also leave you open to people who take more than they give.

I offer narcissistic abuse counselling in Nerang and online and this question comes up in frequently in sessions. Here’s how I’ve come to understand it.

Why did they choose me?

These relationships don’t happen to naive people. They happen to very intelligent and capable people.

A narcissistic partner is often drawn to qualities that make you shine. These can be qualities such as a  powerful job, your social standing, your warmth, and your incredible empathy. In their eyes, those qualities in you make them look good. (If you want to understand what drives narcissistic behaviour I’ve written about that separately.)

So how does someone so intelligent end up with someone so emotionally unavailable ? The answer usually starts in childhood.

Where does the pattern begin?

Many people I work with were wired as children to give others the benefit of the doubt. They were trained (often without anyone meaning to) to fix things. To be the one who makes everything and everyone okay.

That can grow into incredibly high empathy and a hyper focus on other people’s needs. You read a room in seconds. You smooth things over before they start. It looks like kindness, and it is. But it can also become people pleasing where your own needs drop to the bottom of the list.

We tend to think what’s happening in a relationship belongs to today. Very often it began long ago.

What’s Little You and Big You?

I find it helps to think of two parts of you. I call them the Little You and the Big You.

The Big You is the adult you are today and the capable person others see. The Little You carries your early programming, a subconscious blueprint typically formed between birth and ten years of age. Built into it is a relationship fantasy of “If I’m kind and caring I’ll get the same in return. If not, I just have to try harder.” I think we need to give the little you some sort of age as an example 7 years and it will vary in everybody. 

A narcissistic relationship amplifies this, and as the narcissist’s need for control grows, the Little You tries harder and harder to please.

So two shared fantasies run side by side in one person. The first is the relationship the narcissist presented to you that promised your hopes and dreams. The second is Little You’s belief that enough kindness will make things right after the narcissist’s mask starts cracking and their real persona begins to be revealed. This is part of why it can be so hard to walk away even once the Big You can see what’s happening.

The most important relationship.

Recovery isn’t only about understanding the narcissist. It’s about the most important relationship you have. The one with yourself. Your task is not to heal toxic people, it’s to heal the part of yourself that was connected to them.

In therapy we look behind the theatre the narcissist created. Often it reveals a world where your needs didn’t matter and everyone else came first. Sounding familiar? It’s often the same world the Little You grew up in.

That’s why this work isn’t only about one relationship. It’s about creating the Little You new programming and new ways to be in the world.

Why does keeping the peace cost so much?

I use process work which pays close attention to the parts of ourselves we’ve marginalised and pushed aside.

Often the part of us that keeps the peace (what I call the known identity) is also the part that gives us the most grief. Beneath it is your own misplaced personal power. Getting to know and being able to access that power gently at your own pace is a big part of what we do together.

As Peter Crone puts it “Life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you are not free.”

It’s a pattern, not a flaw.

If you’ve been asking why you feel like you attract narcissists, I hope you can see it a little differently now. It isn’t a flaw in you. It is an adaptive and protective survival pattern that gave you a feeling of safety in your childhood environment.

Patterns like this can be noticed, understood and explored, and you don’t need to do that alone. I see clients in Nerang and online, and no referral is needed. I invite you to book a session with me when you’re ready.

If you’re in crisis or feel unsafe, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. In an emergency call 000.

The post Why do I feel like I attract narcissists? appeared first on Gold Coast Psychotherapy.

Is the charm just a mask?

At first a narcissistic person can seem warm, attentive and exciting. That charm is often a mask, it may be built from rehearsed lines and behaviours borrowed from other people and then recycled.

In a sense, they’re actors playing a role. It might be the charming prince, the saviour or the victim. The role shifts to suit the audience which is why some people describe them as emotional shape shifters, or chameleons. The shifting isn’t an accident as each role is chosen to get a need met.

So what’s the need?

What is narcissistic supply?

Beneath the mask there’s often a self that feels empty or fragile. To feel okay the person needs a steady flow of attention, admiration and acknowledgement. This is often called narcissistic supply.

The pursuit of supply can look a lot like an addiction. It’s a constant search for significance and validation. When supply runs low they may go to great lengths to get more with little regard for the wellbeing of the people closest to them.

Where do narcissistic traits come from?

There’s no single cause and researchers still debate it. Some point to a lack of love and attention in early childhood. Others point to the opposite: excessive praise and being overvalued as a child.

Why don’t they see it?

Unlike many people with an addiction, a person with strong narcissistic traits rarely believes anything is wrong. Admitting a flaw can feel like a threat to their whole identity. So the fault lands elsewhere and often on you.

Is it really narcissism?

Narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosis only a qualified clinician can make and most people we call narcissists have never been assessed. You don’t need a label to know how a relationship affected you.

What matters more is the pattern.

What does narcissistic abuse look like?

Narcissistic abuse is rarely one big event. It’s a pattern that builds slowly which is why it’s so hard to see from the inside. You might notice:

• Idealise, then devalue. Intense attention early on followed by coldness or criticism.
• Criticism when you shine. Put downs that chip away at your self-esteem often when your success or independence feels like a threat to them, making you feel small and controlled.
• Triangulation. A third person brought in to create drama or jealousy and often as punishment when you haven’t given enough attention.
• Walking on eggshells. Feeling constantly on edge with no healthy way to resolve conflict and drama (known as crazymaking) never far away.
• Rarely taking responsibility, with a strong sense of entitlement and a need for control.
• Two faces. Charming in public. The anger stays behind closed doors.
• Gaslighting. Being told things didn’t happen or that you’re overreacting when your reaction would otherwise be appropriate.

What does gaslighting sound like?

• “You need help.”
• “You are so emotional.”
• “I never said that, I never did that.”
• “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
• “Your always twisting things around.”
• “Don’t get upset over nothing.”
• “Its not a big deal.”
• “That was two weeks ago.”
• “It was only a joke.”
• “You sound crazy.”

If you’ve heard these often it makes sense that you no longer trust your own perception.

Why am I told to “just let it go?”

You may often be pushed to move on from something hurtful as quickly as possible. There’s a reason. Each incident holds valuable information about the pattern and looking at it closely could ground you in what’s really happening.

When your hurt gets framed as an inability to forgive, the focus moves from their behaviour to your so-called flaw. But they aren’t the judge and jury of how you process being hurt.

Why do they feel like two different people?

Over time you may find yourself holding two versions at once. One is the soulmate you first met. The other is the person you glimpse through the cracks in the mask. Trying to make them fit together is called cognitive dissonance and it’s exhausting.

How does it affect you?

Living inside this pattern takes a toll on the mind and the body. Many people tell me they feel:

• Constantly on high alert
• Exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically
• Lost, and unsure who they are anymore
• Confused, with life feeling overwhelming
• Foggy and forgetful
• Low, anxious or flat
• Physical symptoms such as headaches, tension or poor sleep

These are common responses to a hard situation and not a sign that something is wrong with you. If low mood or anxiety is weighing on you please speak with your GP as well.

You’re not crazy

If you’ve been in a relationship like this, you may have spent a long time wondering if the problem was you. It wasn’t, what drives narcissistic behaviour sits within the other person.

You’re not too sensitive, you were paying attention.

Two questions often come next. Why did this happen to me? I explore why it so often happens to capable, caring people in a separate article. And if you can see the pattern, why is it still so hard to walk away? That’s where I look at why leaving is so hard.

You don’t need to work it out alone. I see clients in Nerang and online, and no referral is needed. I invite you to book a session with me when you’re ready.

If you’re in crisis or feel unsafe please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. In an emergency call 000.

The post What drives narcissistic behaviour? appeared first on Gold Coast Psychotherapy.

What is the person getting from the addiction? 

What an addict gets is relief from their pain, a sense of peace, a sense of control, a temporary sense of calmness. 
This is why the real question about addiction should not be ‘Why the addiction’ but instead ‘Why the pain’? Why are people in pain, you can’t order a
blood test for the answer, you have to look at their lives. In the case of highly addicted individuals, it is very clear why they are in pain. 

It’s because they have been abused all their lives. They began as abused children, physically abused, neglected, sexually abused, abandoned over and over again and that’s why the pain. 

Our brain develops with the environment we grow up in, so the kind of environment a child grows up in will actually shape the development of that individual. The addiction is all about trying to fill that emptiness from the outside.

From this perspective you can understand that there are many addictions, there is addiction to drugs but there is also addiction to consumerism, addiction to sex, to the internet, to food, for each person there is a different way of filling the emptiness. But the emptiness always goes back to what we didn’t get when we were very small. Some people are addicted to power, addicted to wealth, addicted to acquisition, they want to make themselves bigger.  The power is not outside yourself but within yourself, find the light within. We have to find that light within ourselves, find the light within communities, and in our wisdom, our own creativity.  If you find the light within, you find your own nature, then we will be kinder to ourselves. We are social beings, when we feel disconnected or alienated we experience pain. Addiction, depression, anger, and violence are different ways we react to pain. To heal, we must heal our emotional wounds at the root of our pain.  

When you next see a person, a man, a woman, a teenager, a fellow human who may be in an altered state from being high on drugs or somebody who is a gambler or an alcoholic and more. In judgement, also take a minute think about what is their pain and how deep are their emotional wounds? While they may appear as a spectacle to some, the fact remains that whilst in this altered state they are getting temporary relief from the pain and deep emotional wounds locked within.

The post Why is addiction so hard to let go of? appeared first on Gold Coast Psychotherapy.

The inner critic judges you and it can undermine your self-confidence, it can use nasty words like your weird, your ugly, you are too fat and you are not good enough. It thinks in black and white; it focuses on problems and it doesn’t recognise or celebrate progress. Let’s use ‘you’re not good enough’ as an example, we all have this inner critic pop up at some stage in our lives. You are in a room with others, it might be a work function for example, you feel a little anxious, a little inferior to some people in the room, this is that nasty inner critic saying ‘you are not good enough’. What can I do about my inner critic you might ask? The answer is, you can disarm your inner critic, firstly you need to talk it down and then embrace it before you can completely silence it. This is a process that is most successful when facilitated by a trained therapist but there are some things you can do by yourself. 

How does your inner critic speak to you, is it cold, is there a specific tone, is it sarcastic or just mean and nasty?

Try to notice what triggers the inner critic, what does it say, be curious and keep the perspective that the inner critic is just another part of you, it can be useful if you can avoid being hooked by its judgement. 

When the inner critic is triggered and that annoying squawking voice is saying ‘you can’t, you are going to mess it up’ ask yourself;

Does this thought serve me? No, it doesn’t.

Is there a reason I should hold onto the thought? No, you don’t need to hold onto to it.

Who would I be without this thought? Clearly, I would be absolutely fabulous!

This small shift in thought by answering a few questions can sometimes be enough to silence the inner critic for a little while. There is very useful information in listening to an inner critic instead of trying to just drown it out. As I said earlier the most successful results will come from the help and guidance from an experienced therapist.  

The post How to work with your inner critic, not against it appeared first on Gold Coast Psychotherapy.