Narcissistic behaviour is often driven by a fragile sense of self that depends on other people to feel steady. Admiration, attention and control become ways to hold that self together. Understanding this doesn’t excuse the harm. It can help you make sense of what’s been happening.
Is the charm just a mask?
At first a narcissistic person can seem warm, attentive and exciting. That charm is often a mask, it may be built from rehearsed lines and behaviours borrowed from other people and then recycled.
In a sense, they’re actors playing a role. It might be the charming prince, the saviour or the victim. The role shifts to suit the audience which is why some people describe them as emotional shape shifters, or chameleons. The shifting isn’t an accident as each role is chosen to get a need met.
So what’s the need?
What is narcissistic supply?
Beneath the mask there’s often a self that feels empty or fragile. To feel okay the person needs a steady flow of attention, admiration and acknowledgement. This is often called narcissistic supply.
The pursuit of supply can look a lot like an addiction. It’s a constant search for significance and validation. When supply runs low they may go to great lengths to get more with little regard for the wellbeing of the people closest to them.
Where do narcissistic traits come from?
There’s no single cause and researchers still debate it. Some point to a lack of love and attention in early childhood. Others point to the opposite: excessive praise and being overvalued as a child.
Why don’t they see it?
Unlike many people with an addiction, a person with strong narcissistic traits rarely believes anything is wrong. Admitting a flaw can feel like a threat to their whole identity. So the fault lands elsewhere and often on you.
Is it really narcissism?
Narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosis only a qualified clinician can make and most people we call narcissists have never been assessed. You don’t need a label to know how a relationship affected you.
What matters more is the pattern.
What does narcissistic abuse look like?
Narcissistic abuse is rarely one big event. It’s a pattern that builds slowly which is why it’s so hard to see from the inside. You might notice:
- Idealise, then devalue. Intense attention early on followed by coldness or criticism.
- Criticism when you shine. Put downs that chip away at your self-esteem often when your success or independence feels like a threat to them, making you feel small and controlled.
- Triangulation. A third person brought in to create drama or jealousy and often as punishment when you haven’t given enough attention.
- Walking on eggshells. Feeling constantly on edge with no healthy way to resolve conflict and drama (known as crazymaking) never far away.
- Rarely taking responsibility, with a strong sense of entitlement and a need for control.
- Two faces. Charming in public. The anger stays behind closed doors.
- Gaslighting. Being told things didn’t happen or that you’re overreacting when your reaction would otherwise be appropriate.
What does gaslighting sound like?
- “You need help.”
- “You are so emotional.”
- “I never said that, I never did that.”
- “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
- “Your always twisting things around.”
- “Don’t get upset over nothing.”
- “Its not a big deal.”
- “That was two weeks ago.”
- “It was only a joke.”
- “You sound crazy.”
If you’ve heard these often it makes sense that you no longer trust your own perception.
Why am I told to “just let it go?”
You may often be pushed to move on from something hurtful as quickly as possible. There’s a reason. Each incident holds valuable information about the pattern and looking at it closely could ground you in what’s really happening.
When your hurt gets framed as an inability to forgive, the focus moves from their behaviour to your so-called flaw. But they aren’t the judge and jury of how you process being hurt.
Why do they feel like two different people?
Over time you may find yourself holding two versions at once. One is the soulmate you first met. The other is the person you glimpse through the cracks in the mask. Trying to make them fit together is called cognitive dissonance and it’s exhausting.
How does it affect you?
Living inside this pattern takes a toll on the mind and the body. Many people tell me they feel:
- Constantly on high alert
- Exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically
- Lost, and unsure who they are anymore
- Confused, with life feeling overwhelming
- Foggy and forgetful
- Low, anxious or flat
- Physical symptoms such as headaches, tension or poor sleep
These are common responses to a hard situation and not a sign that something is wrong with you. If low mood or anxiety is weighing on you please speak with your GP as well.
You’re not crazy
If you’ve been in a relationship like this, you may have spent a long time wondering if the problem was you. It wasn’t, what drives narcissistic behaviour sits within the other person.
You’re not too sensitive, you were paying attention.
Two questions often come next. Why did this happen to me? I explore why it so often happens to capable, caring people in a separate article. And if you can see the pattern, why is it still so hard to walk away? That’s where I look at why leaving is so hard.
You don’t need to work it out alone. I see clients in Nerang and online, and no referral is needed. I invite you to book a session with me when you’re ready.
If you’re in crisis or feel unsafe please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. In an emergency call 000.
