“If I just try a little harder, it’ll be okay.”
Does that sound like a voice you know? For many people it’s been a program running in the background for most of their lives.
If you’ve been in more than one narcissistic relationship, you may be asking: why do I feel like I attract narcissists? It isn’t because you’re naive or broken, it’s often because of qualities that other people see in you, including the narcissist. You’re probably the one your friends call in a crisis. You notice someone’s upset before they say a word. You give people a second chance, and a third. Those are real strengths. They can also leave you open to people who take more than they give.
I offer narcissistic abuse counselling in Nerang and online and this question comes up in frequently in sessions. Here’s how I’ve come to understand it.
Why did they choose me?
These relationships don’t happen to naive people. They happen to very intelligent and capable people.
A narcissistic partner is often drawn to qualities that make you shine. These can be qualities such as a powerful job, your social standing, your warmth, and your incredible empathy. In their eyes, those qualities in you make them look good. (If you want to understand what drives narcissistic behaviour I’ve written about that separately.)
So how does someone so intelligent end up with someone so emotionally unavailable ? The answer usually starts in childhood.
Where does the pattern begin?
Many people I work with were wired as children to give others the benefit of the doubt. They were trained (often without anyone meaning to) to fix things. To be the one who makes everything and everyone okay.
That can grow into incredibly high empathy and a hyper focus on other people’s needs. You read a room in seconds. You smooth things over before they start. It looks like kindness, and it is. But it can also become people pleasing where your own needs drop to the bottom of the list.
We tend to think what’s happening in a relationship belongs to today. Very often it began long ago.
What’s Little You and Big You?
I find it helps to think of two parts of you. I call them the Little You and the Big You.
The Big You is the adult you are today and the capable person others see. The Little You carries your early programming, a subconscious blueprint typically formed between birth and ten years of age. Built into it is a relationship fantasy of “If I’m kind and caring I’ll get the same in return. If not, I just have to try harder.” I think we need to give the little you some sort of age as an example 7 years and it will vary in everybody.
A narcissistic relationship amplifies this, and as the narcissist’s need for control grows, the Little You tries harder and harder to please.
So two shared fantasies run side by side in one person. The first is the relationship the narcissist presented to you that promised your hopes and dreams. The second is Little You’s belief that enough kindness will make things right after the narcissist’s mask starts cracking and their real persona begins to be revealed. This is part of why it can be so hard to walk away even once the Big You can see what’s happening.
The most important relationship.
Recovery isn’t only about understanding the narcissist. It’s about the most important relationship you have. The one with yourself. Your task is not to heal toxic people, it’s to heal the part of yourself that was connected to them.
In therapy we look behind the theatre the narcissist created. Often it reveals a world where your needs didn’t matter and everyone else came first. Sounding familiar? It’s often the same world the Little You grew up in.
That’s why this work isn’t only about one relationship. It’s about creating the Little You new programming and new ways to be in the world.
Why does keeping the peace cost so much?
I use process work which pays close attention to the parts of ourselves we’ve marginalised and pushed aside.
Often the part of us that keeps the peace (what I call the known identity) is also the part that gives us the most grief. Beneath it is your own misplaced personal power. Getting to know and being able to access that power gently at your own pace is a big part of what we do together.
As Peter Crone puts it “Life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you are not free.”
It’s a pattern, not a flaw.
If you’ve been asking why you feel like you attract narcissists, I hope you can see it a little differently now. It isn’t a flaw in you. It is an adaptive and protective survival pattern that gave you a feeling of safety in your childhood environment.
Patterns like this can be noticed, understood and explored, and you don’t need to do that alone. I see clients in Nerang and online, and no referral is needed. I invite you to book a session with me when you’re ready.
If you’re in crisis or feel unsafe, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. In an emergency call 000.
